Miss Universe: The Live By Remote Experience

I'm going to attempt to liveblog the pageant (on the off chance that Ms. Sunshine can't find a good webcast on her portion of the globe) (webcast found! but I'll continue to hit the highlights). Please to join in the comments, if you like. I make no promises as to how long I can keep this up, but I'll try to get through to crowntime.

Updates will begin here in 39 minutes and counting. Behind the cut to avoid spoilers, OF COURSE.

9 p.m. – WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS. "The most exciting desert on Earth…" Fire, cowboy hats, sashes! Miss Universe 2009 has an enormous necklace!

Albania going with a paranormal romance bad angel theme, red and black wings and goth eyeliner…

9:03 – The national costume is what this is all about, my friends. Following Albania's lead, Angola goes for Tropical Satan.

National embarrasment? Argentina; she's wearing a DRESS.

(The universe is too large to mention all the costumes, but maybe a few more.)

Belgium, secret tennis champs. Who knew?

9:05 – Editing possibly causes seizures in young children.

British Virgin Islands is gorgeous, but, alas, probably going nowhere.

Canada, auditioning for next round of Narnia movies.

Czech Republic – Has a floral arrangement coming out of the back of her dress.

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC is always a fave, because they do great costume. Giant headdress.

Is it just me or are the national costumes a bit muted this year? The recession has hit the galactic dreamtime.

Random snippet of hairspraying and girls smiling backstage–if I wanted to know what they did between sections of the show… well, I don't, director, not on pageant night.

I think Sunshine's right about Haiti. She could go all the way.

OH YAY! Sunshine and Jeremy found a webcast. So I will only liveblog the important bits from here on out. NEW RULE: Drink for bandana changes!

9:10 – I love Italy's enormous knife. Or smallish sword?

(Yes, I'm pausing.)

Netherlands has set Eliza Doolittle's cause back a hundred years with that costume.

This may be controversial, but wearing a crown as part of your national costume? Cheeky.

Is USA's costume embarrassing? But I kind of love it.

Venezuela looks like a bizarro world superhero.

Lots of weapons and paranormal romance-ish costumes this year.

Dance number! Whew, let's get to some finalists.

Brett Michaels is a host? I hate celebrity.

9:20 – How much do we have to drink if Brett Michaels is hit by a rocket? I will drink as much as it takes to make it happen.

Actual comment I just made to Christopher: "Don't objectify Miss Mexico."

Top fifteen a bit surprising — MISS USA shutout! And no Venezuela!

Christopher's top three are: France, Jamaica and Czech Republic.

Mine are: Puerto Rico, Russia, Albania.

9:25 – Yes, the co-host did just elbow Brett Michaels to alert him the break was over.

9:30 – OH MY GOD. Brett Michaels introduces guest judges. He is THE WORST.

They include: International entrepreneur with low-cut dress, a lesser Baldwin brother, Chynna Phillips (oh, sweetie), Evan Lysacek (YAY!), Jane Seymour, Criss Angel (oh dear), and SHEILA E.

This is someone's dream dinner party. Not sure who.


9:40 – Painful and boring: swimsuit competition. Let's get to evening already.

Oh dear. Ireland has the bad ANTM walk. And South Africa has caved in bits. The swimsuit competition makes me sad.

9:48 – This particular iteration of the swimsuit competition is like a childhood nightmare where my Barbies have come to life, and have been kidnapped by Elvis.

9:55 – Bring on the dresses! Which may not be impressive, since none of these countries (except perhaps Russia and Columbia?) could really have expected to get this far. But I'm hoping.

Next cut: I love the interests. Who doesn't like boat rides and nature?

Of my picks: Puerto Rico and Albania are left. Still. Craziest pageant finalists ever.

10 – Tacky montages. YAWN. Or at least, too lazy to type the snark. Comments section.

10:07 – Evening!

The one shoulder is big this year.

Australia… Too surfer casual with the hair?


10:32 – But first, top five: Mexico, Australia (even though she didn't do her hair!), Jamaica (pets Sunshine–you're still in this!), Ukraine, and… Philippines. So, all my girls are toast. I'm going with Australia, I guess, since this is the night of crazycakes.

10:35 – Q: What effect is unsupervised internet use having on today's youth?

Why does a figure skater care about this?

The translator seems drunk.

Australia: Swimsuits are freedom! (Okay, so this actually makes sense — see Sunshine's comment below at 21:50.)

Jamaica's dress is gorgeous. She got the death penalty question. Believes that only aliens can be justified in taking lives, not humans, which is fitting for Miss Universe.

Ukraine — out on a limb, is for saving the lives of people.

William Baldwin asks idiot question to Philippines about mistake in her life (don't bring your own baggage to the pageant!). Response: Her family is better than yours. She doesn't have the problems you have.

(Can I just say I really miss "what kind of household appliance would you be and why?" ACTUAL question at county fair beauty pageant back home.)

10:55 – The man with the shellacked hair has brought the results…

Australia, second runner up…

Mexico and Jamaica grip hands and wish sudden death on the victor. Or maybe they really are this nice. The winner is: Mexico!

Mr. Cavin wins this year. Bravo, sir. (And Sunshine gets the glory too, because she stayed up into the tiny dark hours to watch.)

Until next year's pageant, fiends and fiendettes.

72 Responses to “Miss Universe: The Live By Remote Experience”

  1. Mr. Cavin

    We found it! Sunshine says everybody has to DRINK for bandanna changes.

  2. Mr. Cavin

    I love those horns, even if Angola looks like she is goring her way out of some seacucumber.

  3. Mr. Cavin

    Puerto Rico? Nuts. Ukraine? What? What is happening?

  4. Mr. Cavin

    They’re not even going to give it to Haiti? No Venezuela, no USA? Holy crap.

  5. Mr. Cavin

    (I picked Mexico, so I’m not out yet one the first round.)

  6. Sunshine

    Should I go to bed? Maybe I should go to bed!

  7. Gwenda Bond

    No! This is crazy. Who are all these girls? What has happened? Is Brett Michaels to blame?
    (I think your call of Russia may be the winner.)

  8. Gwenda Bond

    Truly, unfathomable choices thus far.

  9. Mr. Cavin

    My first impressions on costumes (from looking at the site yesterday): I like the DR’s crazy space reindeer, I think Miss Israel looks pretty comfortable in her nineties Spiegel party thing, Miss Nigeria is awesome, Russia’s inclement weather dress is austere as hell but I’m on board, and Slovenia looks like she just changed a tire. Switzerland looks tragic like the pajama party girl who gets eaten by bats at the end of the Hammer movie, Miss Uruguay’s gaucho boots are badass, and I’m not sure how many years of bad luck Miss Venezuela gets for breaking that costume, but I’ll bet it starts this year (and I was right, huh?).
    Miss Angola’s horned tiara is without a doubt my favorite object and statement this year. The fact that she looks like she’s goring her way out of a giant seaflower is just can’t make me dislike it. Belgium just looks ridiculous, Miss Croatia looks like she’s hefting beer bongs at a frat party, and look closely and you can see that Miss Great Britain is wearing a SCUBA suit under her dress (how Bond!). Lastly, I will go see any movie with Miss Honduras’ character, even though she skinned her superhero costume on the wrong continent.

  10. Mr. Cavin

    Oh William Baldwin and Chyna Phillips. That explains some of it.

  11. Sunshine

    Criss Angel is a JUDGE? How am I somehow missing the Trump progeny

  12. Mr. Cavin

    I thought that was Tommy Wiseau.

  13. Mr. Cavin

    Like it can possibly get better from here?

  14. Gwenda Bond

    Good point. But Brett Michaels could spontaneously combust!

  15. Sunshine

    Stupid $1.99 webcast. It’s dead dead dead

  16. Mr. Cavin

    Elvis Impersonators? When did this get kitsch? Okay, just kidding.

  17. Sunshine

    Jamaica, Ireland, Colombia

  18. Gwenda Bond

    Miss Jamaica apparently hasn’t heard of doublesided tape.

  19. Mr. Cavin

    Good pick Christopher: Jamaica really pleased the judges in her swimsuit I see. I DRINK to you!

  20. Mr. Cavin

    OUr feed froze, what was Guatemala’s score?

  21. Gwenda Bond

    Guatemala got 8.071.

  22. babsg1@earthlink.net

    Guatemala is my favorite, if only for the arched eyebrow.

  23. Mr. Cavin

    Mexico! Mexico!

  24. Mr. Cavin

    Well, it’s nice to see a nice African girl get in. Too bad there are no black women in, like, ever.

  25. Gwenda Bond

    No kidding — so sad.

  26. babsg1@earthlink.net

    Okay, glad Guatemala made it through, but Miss South Africa works with homeless animals and plays the drums!

  27. Gwenda Bond

    They gave her a terrible soundbyte, but I like her.

  28. Gwenda Bond

    Drums, journalism, homeless animals!

  29. Gwenda Bond

    Albania is totally bringing it home with those giant horns.
    Also, what the eff was Australia wearing in her leaning up against something montage shot?

  30. Mr. Cavin

    Hey, she had the guts to talk Mexican.

  31. Sunshine

    Thank god for a special medly

  32. Mr. Cavin

    Man I hate the losers dance.

  33. babsg1@earthlink.net

    Miss Jamaica?

  34. Mr. Cavin

    Least Albania is from a Muslim country, though with a name like Angela we must assume she’s a Serb.

  35. Mr. Cavin

    I even like Jamaica’s dress. I thought Sunshine might be right until Mexico SCHOOLED HER in the competition.

  36. babsg1@earthlink.net

    I bet Jane Seymour gives Ukraine high marks. She’s practically her double.

  37. Mr. Cavin

    There goes Ireland, damn.

  38. babsg1@earthlink.net

    OOOOHHH! And I love her dress! She might be my new favorite.

  39. Mr. Cavin

    Did they even comb Ozzie’s hair?

  40. Mr. Cavin

    well, I meant black and from Africa to be fair. There have only ever been, like, five black women to win this contest, and something like three of them have been from the US. But yeah, Jamaica is blackish.

  41. Gwenda Bond

    Are there more montage advertisements this year, or is it just me? Also, I miss Jerry Springer.

  42. Sunshine

    Jamaica had better win, or I am going to be a superbitch tomorrow when I get up. Wait, I mean in 2.5 hours, when I get up.

  43. Mr. Cavin

    Sheesh. Thailand’s dress kicks ass. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody get two of the special awards before.

  44. babsg1@earthlink.net

    And she looked straight up pissed to not be in the finals.

  45. Gwenda Bond

    You deserve a special award for this.

  46. Gwenda Bond

    Effin Baldwin. I blame him for all that is wrong!

  47. Sunshine

    Sorry, but Miss Albania’s waiting face shows she was never meant to be a queen.

  48. Mr. Cavin

    Yeah me too

  49. Mr. Cavin

    Mexico! Mexico!

  50. Sunshine

    Miss Jamaica, why did you do it?! I think I’m screwed you all. I still believe that Miss Universe is sick of Latinas, so it may have to be Australia. Why, world, why?

  51. Sunshine

    I do know both of the translators. That second guy speaks Georgian! The first guy has been translating for a hundred years and I’ve seen him butcher many a beauty queen answer.

  52. Gwenda Bond

    Swimsuits are freedom!

  53. Gwenda Bond

    Ah, he committed the “childrens” sin with Mexico.

  54. Sunshine

    OH, Mr. Cavin mentioned that I should mention that an Iranian designer designed the swimsuits, and..
    On her sixteenth birthday, in Iran, while celebrating her birthday, she took off her more conservative garb and was wearing a mini dress and someone contacted the religious police,” Paula Shugart, president of the Miss Universe Organization, tells Zap2it. “And she received 40 lashes while her parents watched.

  55. Sunshine

    Stefania, way to end it in fucking STYLE

  56. Mr. Cavin

    Her lipsynch was very classy I thought. And the flag was a minor act of rebellion.

  57. Gwenda Bond

    Okay, that makes swimsuits are freedom make a lot more sense.

  58. Mr. Cavin


  59. Sunshine

    Ok, so I was wrong about the Latina, but I Do like Mexico and was happy that Jamaica got so far (ahd Philippines didn’t. Eat it, Philippines. See, I don’t really mean it Philippines, but it’s SO late/early)

  60. Sunshine

    Can we take credit for her win because we once traveled from Mexico to Las Vegas to get married?

  61. Mr. Cavin

    See? No Jamaica, no Philippines. Latinas only.

  62. Sunshine

    Also, as resident pageant girl, I should mention that the head of Miss Mexico is Lupita Jones so this is Maybe the first time a Miss Universe has trained another Miss Universe. Have I read Lupita’s Jones’s autobiography Palabra de Reina–even going so far as to InterLibrary Loan it? Why yes I have.

  63. Gwenda Bond

    As far as I’m concerned, she could never have done it without you. I know you will be in great pain at work tomorrow, but was so fun watching from afar with y’all. xxx

  64. Mr. Cavin

    Thank you thank you.

  65. Mr. Cavin

    We loved it! Makes it so much easier to be so far away from home on a holiday. We love you Gwenda! Thanks for staying up late.

  66. Gwenda Bond

    These are awesome — thx for links!

  67. cheap juicy bags

    They looked so ridiculous with helmet heads walking around Wally World like Mad Max rejects. Another prime example of why there’s a website called People of Walmart =D!
    So tell us Mechgogo, is it customary to shop around a store with your motorcycle helmet perched on your head? Or using it as a shopping basket to carry the BBQ sauce?

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